The Leopard Seal (Aka the Most Frightening Thing to Roam the Ocean [Thankfully, Mostly in the Antarctic]): A SATIRE

A (SATIRICAL) commentary (of a Wikipedia article) by Jaylene
November, 2007

Note: Since so many people have taken offense to this article, here is a disclaimer: It is not meant to be taken as a scientific article, nor is it supposed to be taken seriously in any way. Leopard seals in probability fulfill their ecological niche as appropriate, and contribute to the ecosystem at large.

The Leopard Seal (Hydrurga leptonyx), or The Most Frightening Thing to Roam the Ocean [Thankfully, Mostly in the Antarctic] (see Figure 1.), is a creature belonging to the family Phocidae. Given that it is the most frightening thing to roam the ocean, it is not surprising that it is the only species in its genus; all other family members obviously eliminated themselves, rather than be associated with these horrible things. Leopard Seals are, unfortunately, the second largest species of seal in the Antarctic (after Southern Elephant Seals – let’s hear it for Southern Elephant Seals!), and are near the top of the Antarctic food chain. Orcas are the only natural predators of Leopard Seals (let’s work on that, humans; perhaps Leopard Seal Killer Robots should be built), because they are the only animals large, dark, and foolish to take them on. Akin to a cousin or distant relative that overstays his welcome by staying at your house, eating all your food, not washing dishes, and without paying rent, they stay around excruciatingly long: twenty-six years, hopefully not but possibly more.

Figure 1. The Leopard Seal (Hydrurga leptonyx), or The Most Frightening Thing to Roam the Ocean [Thankfully, Mostly in the Antarctic]), gives its (foolish) victim the pleasure of seeing the last thing they will ever see (its teeth) before dying a unpleasantly bloody and undoubtedly painful death, or at the very least, a solid thrashing.

Leopard Seals live in the cold waters, much like their souls and hearts, surrounding Antarctica. During the summer months, they hunt among the pack ice surrounding the continent, spending almost all of their time in the water, because if they emerge, they will wither away due to the sunshine and warmth and happiness. In the winter, they bring their brutal and barbaric selves north to the sub-Antarctic islands. Occasionally, individuals may be spotted on the southern coasts of South America, Australia, and New Zealand, and as far north as the Cook Islands. These individuals are most likely on a break from their terrorizing, and after some recouping, they will once again return to cold waters to prey on cute and hapless penguins (see Figure 2.), such as in March of the Penguins (2004). Juveniles are more often found in the north, due to their inadequacy to inspire fear in southern waters, because as it is well known that only losers and the easily frightened live in the north.

Figure 2. Some cute and hapless penguins trying to escape the evil snatches of the heartless Leopard Seal – there is little hope for these poor organisms, but it is better to have hoped for unlikely miracles than to have not hoped at all. Imagine the cutest penguin you can imagine. Now, imagine what that penguin will look like after a Leopard Seal gets it. Yeah, not so cute, huh?

Due to their evil natures, it is no wonder that Leopard Seals are solitary creatures, and only bother coming together when it is time to mate, so as to continue the lines of evil progeny. It is uncertain if, should a male Leopard Seal with an evil factor of x, mate with a female Leopard Seal of evil factor y, their progeny would have an evil factor of xy or x2y2; studies of the highest importance must be conducted. After much tolerance of the other sex and insemination is ensured, the female digs a hole in the ice, to prepare her offspring for the cold, cold ways of the Leopard Seal. After nine months of gestation, much like the gestation period of the slightly less barbaric and terrifying human species, the female gives birth to a single pup during the Antarctic summer, as the pup will not have established its immunity to the evil and cold yet. She will protect the pup until it is able to fend for itself, only because she knows she needs to extend her bloodline, and she knows there are probably better choices of game out there other than her own child. But in all honesty, Leopard Seals probably do eat their own children. (If you don’t believe that, why don’t you find one and ask it for yourself? It would no doubt be an enthralling conversation before you are attacked and ferociously bitten to death – see Figure 3.)

Figure 3. The last thing you will see if you are foolish enough to venture into the general vicinity of a Leopard Seal

To say that Leopard Seals are bold, powerful and curious, would be a sore and gross understatement. A more accurate description would be: overbearing, toothy, conniving, and malevolent to the nth power. In the water, there is no line between “curiosity” and normal behavior. They may “play” with penguins that they do not intend to eat (This “play” entails behavior that is rather explicit and perhaps may be best left to the imagination – unfortunately, there is a graphic picture available: see Figure 4.).

Figure 4. A Leopard Seal “playing” with a penguin; no further description is required or adequate to convey the emotive significance of this image.

Leopard Seals are extremely aggressive, taking on animals and non-animals alike that are much larger than they (see Figure 5.). In 2003, a Leopard Seal dragged Kirsty Brown, an unfortunate snorkeling biologist, underwater to her death in what was identified as the first known human fatality from a leopard seal. However, as an “apex predator” (why do people insist on trying to get to know them better, then?) in their native environment, numerous examples of aggressive behavior (see Figure 6.), stalking, and attacks on humans had been previously documented. Leopard Seals have previously shown a particular predilection for attacking the black (they are specially attuned to things that are the color of their souls), torpedo-shaped pontoons of rigid inflatable boats, necessitating that researchers equip their craft with special protective guards to prevent them from being punctured, because science is more important than money and common sense. Leopard Seals have also been known to snap at peoples’ feet through holes in the ice.

Figure 5. A particularly aggressive Leopard Seal engages in a “get-in-yo-face”-off with an Elephant Seal. Note how its mouth is opened widely, as it gets up in the Elephant Seal’s face like nobody’s business.

Figure 6. Another particularly aggressive Leopard Seal – its mouth is open for no apparent reason at all, what sort of animal displays such behavior? The Leopard Seal, that’s what. Also, why do Leopard Seals always have their mouths open? One might assume that it is so that they will be poised on the verge of attack, maim, and devour at all waking hours (which is most likely all the time, because beings without souls do not need sleep).

Leopard Seals feed on a wide variety of creatures: smaller seals probably eat mostly krill, but also squid, fish, and babies’ souls. Larger Leopard Seals feed on King and Emperor Penguins (see Figure 7.), the firemen of 9/11, dead orca carcasses (gloatingly, as they can also feed on their own predators), and seals such as Crabeater Seals, or horrifyingly, their own kind.

When hunting penguins, the Leopard Seal patrols the waters near the edges of the ice, almost completely submerged, waiting for the birds to enter the ocean. It kills the swimming bird by grabbing the feet, then shaking the penguin vigorously and beating its body against the surface of the water repeatedly until the penguin is dead. Previous reports stating that Leopard Seals skin their prey prior to feeding have been found to be incorrect; of course, that would be far too barbaric for the Leopard Seal. Lacking the teeth (false – they no doubt find the flailing method more fun) necessary to slice their prey into manageable pieces, they flail their prey from side to side in order to tear and rip it into smaller pieces.

Figure 7. This is a prime example of a cruel and heartless leopard seal, grinning demonically after maiming some sort of penguin, not even bothering to be courteous enough to finish its job before posing for the camera. Note the glowing, bared body and heart of the penguin, and how it seems to cry, “Flee! Flee quickly before it gets you too!” and also possibly, “Take me away so I may die in peace, not festering away in the digestive system of this creature, later to be eliminated as simple second rate trash of the ecosystem!”

The estimated population of Leopard Seals currently stands at around 3,000, which is about 3,000 too many.

Unsurprisingly, not much research is being done on these terrors of the sea, and frankly, it should stay that way. However, this does not mean that they are completely off the radar of the media. Leopard Seals have been featured in several movies: aforesaid March of the Penguins (2005), Eight Below (2006) (featuring Paul Walker and some dogs, rated PG for some peril and brief mild language), and probably other documentary type movies about ice. It is a wonder that they are not used in horror films; such movies with the addition of Leopard Seals would be sure to bring in scores of thrill seekers, Star Trek geeks, and octogenarians wishing to end their lives with heart attacks. Due to the general affection for the Leopard Seal’s other less violent, far more adorable and cuddly cousins, the positive connotation for the word “Seal” may not “rake in the cash” at box offices. But much like junior high school girls, at first glance, the Leopard Seal may seem innocent (see Figure 8.) itself – that is, until it opens its mouth.

Figure 8. At first glance, this specimen may seem innocent enough. However, a closer look is required to notice the glazed and predatory gaze, how the eyes look in different directions ( an obvious sign of demon possession), the blubbery remains of a recent meal oozing out the side of the mouth, and the soulless eyes – beware: do not look too deeply into the eyes, you may lose your own soul.

Upon first consideration, one may think that measures should be taken to educate the public against the Leopard Seal. However, this is the very last thing that should be done. Leopard Seals have done enough in the media by being in a couple Disney or Universal B movies. Any more coverage in the public eye, and astonishing events would be sure to ensue. Mass hysteria, constant paranoia, plummeting real estate value in the Antarctic, inflated Leopard Seal egos, Leopard Seal Cults (from the mentally sick and Scientologists); who can imagine the possibilities? Leopard Seals should especially be shielded from taxidermists, for nobody wants to suddenly have to visit the hospital, when all they wanted was to have a peaceful jaunt at their hunter uncle’s house (see Figure 9.).

Figure 9. An example of what may greet an unsuspecting house-warmer, should Leopard Seals be alerted to the general public, especially taxidermists.

No, Leopard Seals should be left alone as much as possible. No movies, no documentaries, no more articles like this very one you are reading this instant, and most definitely do not tell others of this article. Left to their own devices, Leopard Seals will be sure to eliminate themselves on account of their violent and destructive natures. In this way, the human race will not have to muddy their reputation by association, and it will be a more humane way of dealing with them, even if they do not deserve it. Unfortunately, this means that Leopard Seals all over the world (really, mostly in the Antarctic) will pop their unsightly heads out of the water to greet you wherever you go (see Figure 10.). But, that is a price that one must pay for the good of all humanity.

Figure 10. A Leopard Seal that would bring unpleasant chills to Chuck Norris, Jack Bauer, Hitler, Dick Cheney, Rosie O’Donnell, etc. Peter Brueggeman, whoever he is, is a brave and stupid man.

Information from Pictures from

Published in: on November 16, 2009 at 9:01 am  Comments (9)  
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Bra Shopping: A Female Plague

I’m all for being a girl. I’m content with it most of the time. However, there are certain things that come with being of the female persuasion that just suck. Near the top of the list, under having to deal with babies and other stuff coming out from down there, is shopping for bras.

Seriously, this is the bane of my existence, and is a type of shopping that I absolutely hate. I also hate shopping for jeans, but that’s another story. Those who have never shopped for a bra (10-year-olds, some Asian girls, most men), and are unfamiliar with the process, should be glad they have never had to experience it. A bra is basically just two pieces of cloth held together with strings, right? How hard can it be to find one that fits? Well, you’re a noob for asking such stupid questions.

For one thing, there is a huge variety of bras in about nearly any department store you happen to walk into, even Walmart. At Macy’s, where I prefer to carry out this atrocious activity, there is about half a floor dedicated to bras and other members of the lingerie family. The sheer size of the department is almost enough to make me want to wear baggy shirts and never leave the house for the rest of my life.

There are overwhelming and seemingly unending rows and racks of cups in subtle varieties of lace, silk, and straps. Walking into the middle of this sea of delicate pinks, nudes, and seafoam greens, interspersed with some racier yet still feminine animal prints, is enough to simulate a feeling of vertigo. Also, there is something vulgar and obscene about seeing flesh colored lumps hanging on hangers that just doesn’t seem right.

The most difficult part of bra shopping is finding one that fits. I know that in some stores, they have salespeople specially trained to measure the size of one’s breasts, so as to equip them with a properly fitting bra. However, I have stayed away from these stores, not just because I’m afraid of having a stranger get near my chest, but I also have doubts. Did they go to a special school? Are they certified? Do they secretly harbor breast fetishes? I hear that in England, Harrods had a bra-fitter-specialist-person who used to fit the Queen, and could tell you the size of your breasts just by looking at you. Although I am sure quite a few men out there are capable of doing this, I am not going to utilize any bra fitting services, specialist or not, even if it takes me roughly 2 hours to find a decent bra. Unless that specialist was the one who fit the Queen.

Bras can have any number of things wrong with them, and most lead to precarious circumstances. One of the most common problems is not accounting for the size discrepancy between the left and right sides. Again, for those of you who are not familiar, one breast is usually larger than the other. If the bra doesn’t account for this, one is left with a strange pocket of empty space between boob and bra.

Another problem is the shape of the cups. Many bras seem to sport the Madonna’s “bullet bra” look, circa the 80’s, although some research shows that this was actually popular in the 50’s as well, and I have no idea why, because it’s not flattering. Other bras are lumpy in areas where they shouldn’t be, moving things to places where they shouldn’t be.

Chansonette Bra

One problem that is particularly tricky, and can’t always be avoided is the dreaded Gathering of Fabric at the Top of the Bra Cup after Several Washings. Bras usually have a thin layer of fabric covering the cup material. However, there is no way to tell whether this layer will stretch or not (it most likely will), and so after putting a bra through the wash several times, a little bump will start to develop at the top of the bra cups, which leads to the equally dreaded Bra Line That is Visible Through Shirts. Classy. If you experience this, give your bra up for lost or start wearing baggy shirts, because there is no getting rid of that.

Bra straps – suck. Why are they always falling down? What’s the point of having bra straps to hold your bra in place, if they decide to desert you and peek out from under your shirt sleeves? I once found some bras that had no-slip straps, which were amazing, but unfortunately, developed the aforesaid bump. You just can’t win with bras.

Other small problems: if bras are too thick, it’ll look unnatural; if they’re too thin, there’s no point in wearing one; if the cups are too close together, there will be far too much cleavage (and yes there is such a thing); if the cups are too spread apart, they’ll make things look disproportionate; if they’re too tight, it’ll be uncomfortable; if they’re too loose, they’ll fall off; if they’re too lacy, brightly colored, or have bows all over the place, they’ll show through shirts. All in all, there are far too many factors involved that make it frustratingly difficult to find one that will suffice.

In summary, if you find a bra that is comfortable, flatters your figure, and doesn’t do the 58093480234 problems that most bras have the annoying habit of doing: buy at least 3 of them, because they will soon wear out, and you’ll have to start the whole process all over again.

Published in: on November 11, 2009 at 7:30 am  Comments (1)  
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Why Asians are Skinny

  1. They need to fit into the small cars they make (i.e., Toyota Corollas, Honda Fits, etc.).
  2. There are a lot of them, and they end up living in highly populated areas, so they need to fit themselves and the large amounts of family members they have into small living spaces.
  3. They need to fit into the tiny clothes they make.
  4. If they gain even just a pound, this will make their mother/grandmother very upset, resulting in dishonor upon the family, and a lot of yelling.
  5. Even if they don’t gain weight, Asians still yell a lot, which burns calories. This makes them skinnier, in turn, making them excited and happy, and so they yell more.
  6. A lot of Asians have historically lived (and still live) in areas where there are tropical diseases and parasites, which cause “natural” skinniness. This has either become tradition, or is genetic.
  7. They study a lot, so they forget to eat (unless they’re the type that eats a lot while they’re studying).
  8. As the Asian mother proverb goes, “Person who not skinny, not find someone who want to marry you.”
  9. Being skinny is economical: one can save money by eating less food, using less gas for their small car, and using smaller clothes made of less material.
  10. It’s easier for people to move quickly when they are skinny, which is important for Asians, since they are all ninjas.
  11. It’s a universally known fact that being skinny makes you better at math. And creating elaborate shows for the Olympics. And taking over the world.
  12. If Asians were fat, their squinty eyes would be swallowed up, and they wouldn’t be able to see.
Published in: on October 18, 2009 at 11:18 pm  Comments (1)  

It is Not Cool to Move to La Sierra

Life sucks when someone moves to the big fish pond of Riverside, or more specifically, La Sierra University. The days are dim, the nights are empty, the stars not quite so bright, poetic prose flows more freely than the Pacific Ocean, more instances of gagging due to reading poetic prose, etc. The promise of a continuation of the previous year’s adventures is shattered like a mirror looked upon by a hideous face. The only slight hope is the occasional visit on long weekends of a Honda Civic (not an Accord).

There are potentially “better” boys down there, according to certain peoples’ parents. While this interesting hypothesis merits further exploration, who says that certain people need a boyfriend anyway? Certain people aren’t even done being a teenager yet, for goodness’ sake. Certain people might just want to live with cats and knit for the rest of their lives… Just kidding. If you’re an eligible bachelor, please comment on our blog.

Some may argue that there is better shopping in Southern California, especially L.A. After all, L.A. is where fashion reigns supreme. But, it’s not like Northern California is lacking in fashion sense. There are the Napa Premium outlets, where one can purchase items from stores such as J. Crew, Banana Republic, Gap, and BCBG. This is certainly where one’s craving for “upscale” fashion can be satiated within a reasonable budget. Also, there’s San Francisco and other Bay Area shopping areas for all one’s shopping needs. Anyway, how necessary is it to be fashionable in this economy? We should be saving our money for education, and the children. Always think of the children, we say.

Certain people may at first be excited at the prospect of possibly going to Disneyland at every given opportunity. However, it is possible that the initial magic of Disneyland fades over time into a dark, dismal vortex of disappointment at a high price of tickets, parking permits, and overpriced theme park food. One may also quickly discover that the pleasure of being a child in “The Happiest Place on Earth” is not the same as an almost adult. Disney products (i.e., Hannah Montana,The Jonas Brothers, Zac Efron) are also by products of the devil, and exposure should be severely limited.

Perhaps one of the great disadvantages to living in Southern California, is the fact that one’s life will be shortened by many years, due to the devastating smog and sludge that will accumulate in one’s lungs and cause premature death. How can one compare the thick, brown air (if you can call it that) of Southern California, to the mountain fresh, tree filtered, wine scented mix of oxygen hosted by PUC? Where else can one enjoy both vineyards and forests from the freeway? Where else can one run around outside without developing asthma? Okay, you can do that in Oregon, but that’s not the point. We are not trying to be morose or morbid, we are simply trying to state the truth. People deserve to know the truth, and we will say it with integrity.

But by far, the greatest thing that sucks about someone moving down to La Sierra, is that someone will miss all the people at PUC. The converse is also a true statement. The friendships and memories made here are not able to be monetarily replaced, unless of course, with a very large check. This could be partly because at PUC, everyone is stuck there together, with little freedom unless one has a car, creating a sort of Stockholm Syndrome. But the point is, they are all in it together. That is, once they know they’re all stars, and they see that. Anyway, the feelings associated with this particular point, cannot be adequately expressed, so we will just say: THIS SUCKS. A LOT. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

P.S. We are not PUC recruiters.

Published in: on September 13, 2009 at 11:27 pm  Leave a Comment  
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