I’m all for being a girl. I’m content with it most of the time. However, there are certain things that come with being of the female persuasion that just suck. Near the top of the list, under having to deal with babies and other stuff coming out from down there, is shopping for bras.
Seriously, this is the bane of my existence, and is a type of shopping that I absolutely hate. I also hate shopping for jeans, but that’s another story. Those who have never shopped for a bra (10-year-olds, some Asian girls, most men), and are unfamiliar with the process, should be glad they have never had to experience it. A bra is basically just two pieces of cloth held together with strings, right? How hard can it be to find one that fits? Well, you’re a noob for asking such stupid questions.
For one thing, there is a huge variety of bras in about nearly any department store you happen to walk into, even Walmart. At Macy’s, where I prefer to carry out this atrocious activity, there is about half a floor dedicated to bras and other members of the lingerie family. The sheer size of the department is almost enough to make me want to wear baggy shirts and never leave the house for the rest of my life.
There are overwhelming and seemingly unending rows and racks of cups in subtle varieties of lace, silk, and straps. Walking into the middle of this sea of delicate pinks, nudes, and seafoam greens, interspersed with some racier yet still feminine animal prints, is enough to simulate a feeling of vertigo. Also, there is something vulgar and obscene about seeing flesh colored lumps hanging on hangers that just doesn’t seem right.
The most difficult part of bra shopping is finding one that fits. I know that in some stores, they have salespeople specially trained to measure the size of one’s breasts, so as to equip them with a properly fitting bra. However, I have stayed away from these stores, not just because I’m afraid of having a stranger get near my chest, but I also have doubts. Did they go to a special school? Are they certified? Do they secretly harbor breast fetishes? I hear that in England, Harrods had a bra-fitter-specialist-person who used to fit the Queen, and could tell you the size of your breasts just by looking at you. Although I am sure quite a few men out there are capable of doing this, I am not going to utilize any bra fitting services, specialist or not, even if it takes me roughly 2 hours to find a decent bra. Unless that specialist was the one who fit the Queen.
Bras can have any number of things wrong with them, and most lead to precarious circumstances. One of the most common problems is not accounting for the size discrepancy between the left and right sides. Again, for those of you who are not familiar, one breast is usually larger than the other. If the bra doesn’t account for this, one is left with a strange pocket of empty space between boob and bra.
Another problem is the shape of the cups. Many bras seem to sport the Madonna’s “bullet bra” look, circa the 80’s, although some research shows that this was actually popular in the 50’s as well, and I have no idea why, because it’s not flattering. Other bras are lumpy in areas where they shouldn’t be, moving things to places where they shouldn’t be.
One problem that is particularly tricky, and can’t always be avoided is the dreaded Gathering of Fabric at the Top of the Bra Cup after Several Washings. Bras usually have a thin layer of fabric covering the cup material. However, there is no way to tell whether this layer will stretch or not (it most likely will), and so after putting a bra through the wash several times, a little bump will start to develop at the top of the bra cups, which leads to the equally dreaded Bra Line That is Visible Through Shirts. Classy. If you experience this, give your bra up for lost or start wearing baggy shirts, because there is no getting rid of that.
Bra straps – suck. Why are they always falling down? What’s the point of having bra straps to hold your bra in place, if they decide to desert you and peek out from under your shirt sleeves? I once found some bras that had no-slip straps, which were amazing, but unfortunately, developed the aforesaid bump. You just can’t win with bras.
Other small problems: if bras are too thick, it’ll look unnatural; if they’re too thin, there’s no point in wearing one; if the cups are too close together, there will be far too much cleavage (and yes there is such a thing); if the cups are too spread apart, they’ll make things look disproportionate; if they’re too tight, it’ll be uncomfortable; if they’re too loose, they’ll fall off; if they’re too lacy, brightly colored, or have bows all over the place, they’ll show through shirts. All in all, there are far too many factors involved that make it frustratingly difficult to find one that will suffice.
In summary, if you find a bra that is comfortable, flatters your figure, and doesn’t do the 58093480234 problems that most bras have the annoying habit of doing: buy at least 3 of them, because they will soon wear out, and you’ll have to start the whole process all over again.
Zima says, Jay says 